Nestor's Cola

All right bitches, shut the fuck up and pay the fuck attention because I’m gonna teach you to cook something. You like to cook and so do I so stop wasting my time.

This isn’t elegant, it’s not pretty, you don’t give it four stars because it’s got a beat and you can dance to it. It’s tasty, it’s cheap, and it doesn’t take too long to prepare. Got it? Good. Screw your brains back onto your neckpipes because here we go.

First off, Ingredients:

Linguine. You know what the fuck this is, go buy some.
Chicken breast tenderloins. You may not know what the fuck this is, so go to your goddamned store and look at labels with that retarded sheeps’ expression on your face until you find them.
Cream of Mushroom Soup. Okay, limpdicks, I’m not talking about the condensed add one can of water, I’m talking the real deal. If you don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about, get yourself a couple cans (that’s TWO, retards) of Progresso cream of mushroom soup. Om nom nom, bitches, yeah.

All right, now that you got your shit, let’s fucking cook.

Grab your cans o’ soup and dump em in a skillet. Rocket science, I know, but bear with me.

Dump your tenderloins in. Holy fuck, difficult as all hell. I have the utmost confidence in your skills though, so fucking do it. I choose a skillet because it’s easier to raise to a simmer and flip the chicken around in.
Simmer the chicken for an hour or so. Simmering is easy, and accomplishes three tasks: cooks the soup into the chicken, cooks the chicken, and boils off the excess moisture.

This gives you about 40 minutes to carve each letter of the alphabet into a cucumber, jam it up your ass, and then shit them out in fun phrases.

Cook your linguine. You DO know how to do that, right? Boom, we got cooked pasta. It takes about 12-20 minutes to cook linguine, so don’t get too absorbed in shitting cukes out your butt.

By now the soup has gone from a soup and turned itself into a sauce. God damn, this ain’t cooking, it’s SCIENCE. serve the pasta and hold the fucking phone, ladle the sauce and chicken over the goddamn pasta.

you’ve been learned.

Chef Nestor here again with another panty-dropping, tasty fucking recipe you and yours can enjoy. I call this a lasagna.

• 2 cups uncooked penne pasta
• 1 pound ground Italian sausage
• 1 (26 ounce) jar spaghetti sauce
• 1 cup cottage cheese
• 2 cups shredded mozzarella cheese, divided

Directions:

1. Preheat an oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Grease a 2.5 quart baking dish.
2. Bring a large pot of lightly salted water to a boil. Place pasta in the pot, cook for 8 to 10 minutes, until tender, and drain.
3. Cook and stir the Italian sausage in a large skillet over medium heat until browned, about 8 to 10 minutes. Drain the fat from the meat, pour the cooked pasta and spaghetti sauce into the skillet, and stir well to combine. Bring the mixture to a boil.
4. Pour half of the hot pasta-sausage mixture into the prepared baking dish, spread with the cottage cheese in an even layer, and sprinkle with half the mozzarella cheese. Spread the remaining pasta mixture over the cheese, and top with the remaining mozzarella cheese.
5. Cover with foil and bake in the preheated oven for about 25 minutes, until the casserole is hot and the cheese is melted and bubbling. Let it stand 5 minutes to firm up before serving.

My alterations: I make 2 1/2 cups of pasta, I take the foil off the lasagna about ten minutes before taking it out of the oven so the cheese melts more evenly, and I of course make my own spaghetti sauce.

Roasted Vegetable Pasta

1 medium zucchini, diced
1 red or yellow bell pepper, seeded and diced
1 large onion, thinly sliced
2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil, divided
Salt
Pepper
2 large tomatoes, chopped
1/4 cup chopped fresh basil
2 cloves garlic, minced
12 ounces angel hair pasta
1/2 cup crumbled gorgonzola cheese

Preheat oven to 450°F. Put a large pot of lightly salted water on to boil. Toss zucchini, bell pepper and onion with 1 tablespoon oil in a large roasting pan or a large baking sheet with sides. Season with salt and pepper. Roast the vegetables, stirring every 5 minutes, until tender and browned, about 10 to 20 minutes. Meanwhile, combine tomatoes, basil, garlic and the remaining 1 tablespoon oil in a large bowl. Season with salt and pepper. Cook pasta until just tender, 8 to 10 minutes. Drain and transfer to the bowl with th with gorgonzola cheese on top.

OR ALTERNATIVELY

‘Wash’ (if you know how) the roasting vegetables with a dry chardonnay for a more dramatic flavor. Go with a small nonstick skillet instead of an oven roast and if you’re comfortable with higher temperatures roast them that way; keeping the veggies always moving. add in a quarter-cup of chardonnay and let it burn off, still keeping everything moving. Once the wine’s burned off, you’re done.

HOW-TO:

First off, master the Tip/ Toss/ Flip. Get an egg pan and … An egg pan is a small skillet, about a foot across with a shallow, curved lip. Master the art of flipping an egg on the pan without using the spatula and only holding on to the handle. It’s all in the wrist. Now that you’ve mastered this technique…

Coat the pan with extra virgin olive oil. toss your veggies in and start flipping. Cook over very high heat. Add seasonings. Keep flipping, keep everything moving. Add the quarter cup chardonnay and KEEP FLIPPING. If you do it right, there will be FIRE AND LOTS OF IT. Do not fear the fire, KEEP FLIPPING. As mentioned earlier, let the chardonnay burn off. Add to pasta, bitches.

I love cooking and so do you. Why? Two words: Chick Magnet. Women love a guy that con cook and cook well. You cook a delicious dish and drop it in front of them, and they’ll do you a favor and drop panties in front of you. I guarantee it.

Here’s one of my favorite sauce recipes, guaranteed to drop panties when you cook it.

4 tablespoons butter
4 tablespoons flour
1 cup cream (or half and half or milk)
1 cup chicken broth
1 cup shredded Italian cheeses (Mozzarella, Romano, etc.)
1/2 cup Parmesano Reggiano cheese (or plain Parmesan)
3 tablespoons fresh or 1-2 tablespoons dried parsley
4-5 cloves garlic, minced
1/2 teaspoon fresh nutmeg
1/4 cup sherry or white wine
salt and pepper

Melt butter and add flour. Cook for 2-3 minutes, stirring constantly to cook flour. Add cream and broth all at once and blend well. Add the remaining ingredients and stir until cheese has melted and sauce is smooth.

Pour over chicken, shrimp or pasta.

For an Alfredo bake, pour the sace on the fettucini pasta and mix well. add in your carrots and cooked, diced chicken breast and mix well. Add additional mozerrella cheese as a topping, loosely mixed with garlic-seasoned bread crumbs. Bake in oven at 350 degrees F until cheese is golden brown.

If I’m so inclined, I’ll add more recipes.