On Cooking~
All right bitches, shut the fuck up and pay the fuck attention because I’m gonna teach you to cook something. You like to cook and so do I so stop wasting my time.
This isn’t elegant, it’s not pretty, you don’t give it four stars because it’s got a beat and you can dance to it. It’s tasty, it’s cheap, and it doesn’t take too long to prepare. Got it? Good. Screw your brains back onto your neckpipes because here we go.
First off, Ingredients:
Linguine. You know what the fuck this is, go buy some.
Chicken breast tenderloins. You may not know what the fuck this is, so go to your goddamned store and look at labels with that retarded sheeps’ expression on your face until you find them.
Cream of Mushroom Soup. Okay, limpdicks, I’m not talking about the condensed add one can of water, I’m talking the real deal. If you don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about, get yourself a couple cans (that’s TWO, retards) of Progresso cream of mushroom soup. Om nom nom, bitches, yeah.
All right, now that you got your shit, let’s fucking cook.
Grab your cans o’ soup and dump em in a skillet. Rocket science, I know, but bear with me.
Dump your tenderloins in. Holy fuck, difficult as all hell. I have the utmost confidence in your skills though, so fucking do it. I choose a skillet because it’s easier to raise to a simmer and flip the chicken around in.
Simmer the chicken for an hour or so. Simmering is easy, and accomplishes three tasks: cooks the soup into the chicken, cooks the chicken, and boils off the excess moisture.
This gives you about 40 minutes to carve each letter of the alphabet into a cucumber, jam it up your ass, and then shit them out in fun phrases.
Cook your linguine. You DO know how to do that, right? Boom, we got cooked pasta. It takes about 12-20 minutes to cook linguine, so don’t get too absorbed in shitting cukes out your butt.
By now the soup has gone from a soup and turned itself into a sauce. God damn, this ain’t cooking, it’s SCIENCE. serve the pasta and hold the fucking phone, ladle the sauce and chicken over the goddamn pasta.
you’ve been learned.
