Late 2007

Every year I always tell everyone how I’m, like, totally reformed and stuff and that I’m going to really push myself to reach my full potential. I usually just get a ‘Yeah… right’ as a reply and I’m all like ‘No, rly!’ but I don’t think anyone has every believed me. It’s probably because it’s never happened so it’s basically like trying to catch a fart in the wind.

Back in the days when my life got a bit dodgy, I kept pushing myself until I finally became a failure. I had been removed from school and thrown out of college, and I think my parents wanted nothing to do with me, which in my opinion was pretty shitty if you ask me.

Living in piss-poor circumstances are even more frustrating when you know it is entirely your fault. But you also realise it’s entirely up to you to make it right again. It was time to make a difficult choice. Actually it was a very easy choice to make, because I didn’t want to be a fucking homeless bum. This decision was to go back to school and start 6th year and get some higher grades.

As you all know, the criminal always returns to the scene of the crime. Except that’s an entirely different situation altogether, so I don’t really know what I’m talking about. Anyway, making that decision was probably the most common sense thing I’ve done in years. I was finished with rebelling; or you could say I was rebelling against rebelling if you like.

I wanted to feel some self-worth, study text books, and get neglected by cute high school girls again. Before I started being a dick to everyone my teachers thought I was smart, witty and academic. I’m not bumming myself here, but I was not prepared to cast it all aside to have a career in Morrisons working beside the shit stains of the human race. I felt I had the potential to do more. Well, I hoped so anyway. So this is what happened.

I made a start by calling most of the local secondary schools in the area. Sometimes I’d get an immediate response; others I’d have to wait weeks at a time for an answer like they’d hoped I’d forget or something. As to when I did get an answer, all the Receptionists did was tell me to “Phone back in a week”, which was basically a polite way of telling me to fuck off. I called so many times I ended up knowing half of them. Most receptionists are old frumpy women, but the one in college probably has a part time job modelling for Next. But receptionists with fantastic hair aside (seriously, wow), I was still not getting what I needed.

As time was ticking, so was I, on my invisible school checklist as more and more options became unavailable. It seemed that I was screwed for choices. Spilling my heart out to a girl I knew from a town quite far away, it was suggested by her that I try her school. I wasn’t sure but she said it would be fun. So I made the call.

Eventually I was called back. I shall not go into specific details of what happened at the time but it did include an amusing little anecdote involving a toilet, a pair of undone trousers and a phone ringing at the other side of the house. All I’m going to say is that I reached it on time.

On the phone was the school’s boss delivering some serious business. From what he had heard, he admitted I sounded like a total dick, but on the other hand he was intriqued to meet me anyway. He said I’d to hitch a ride to school and face the boss the next day – he didn’t say it like that in the third person, but it would have been so cool if he did.

I was over the moon about this call. I had my reservations about being rejected, but this was the furthest I’d got. I was pretty excited, and I was all like OMGOMG. I was full of hope, which is something I brand pathetic usually, but it was true at the time. I guess strange things happen when you’re desperate.

Flash forward and the next thing I knew, after being charged, like, 30 fucking gold pieces for the bus; I was standing in the middle of what to me looked like a pretty shit town I had never been in before. In fact, the only thing I knew about the fucking place was that it contained a school somewhere.

So I stumbled into the first shop I could find to ask directions and get a mars bar. I got served by the Elephant man it appears, because I had no idea what the fuck he was talking about. He was all like Hurf durf and I was like, just point in the general direction. I saw Thorntons toffee chocolates were on special offer, and went from there.

After a few dead ends and an attempt on my life by a man driving a transit van, I found myself in the school, waiting at the reception for the boss.

“That’s the cunt that called us like 60 times”, said a receptionist to another from behind the desk. The girl there who I knew came and peeked through the door looking all excited. She then went away to probably gossip to all her giggly friends about it. She had nice boobs.

So I spent this half hour sitting patiently until I was finally welcomed by the Depute Headteacher from the phone the day before. I wanted to say something cool but I just came out with a short mumble, a sort of signal to show that I was aware he was present. Ten minutes later I was choosing my subjects and getting my tie. I felt pretty good about myself that day.