From early 2009

Richard walked into the girls changing room in the first week because he thought it was the exit. If the internet is anything to go by, Richard should have seen kissing girls and wet t-shirt competitions. I once asked a girl about this and she said nothing actually goes on in those rooms. It’s the truth and it’s boring. It’s like science when they try to explain UFOs as satellites. It’s never as good as you pictured it out to be. Although it can’t be any worse than our own, because you always get a gimp whacking everyone with a towel and this does not help when you’re trying to put on your trousers. FWAP. ‘Hawhawhaw’.

Of course, man will always have a desire to look in the girls changing room. Everyone does – even the homosexually inclined cannot resist the mystery. However, the reason I would go into the girls changing room would be so I could get some fucking privacy. They get individual shower cubicles in theirs, but somehow we have to shower in a giant cock-fest with about fifty other guys. The room is so small gay sex is almost inevitable. It really should be the other way around.

PE day stunk as much as the old clothes that were in my school bag. It would be a reasonably nice day until the bell rung for PE. A collective ‘fuck’s sake’ resonated from all the lazy people in the class and we’d drag ourselves down to the PE department. Down in the department excuses were being flung left and right, school bags were being slammed on the floor and people were gleefully hitting each other with towels. I would be waiting outside the teacher’s office.

I would always ‘forget my kit’ for PE, but then I’d just get pointed to the spare clothes box which was saturated in sweat and piss. I’d find the infamous ‘guys and dolls’ t-shirt which had been there for at least a century, wear it once, and then never again. Next time I just learnt to say ‘No’, and from that point on I got skipping PE down to an art-form. Once I just walked in, told the teacher to fuck himself and got sent straight out again, I was that efficient.

When I did participate in PE, I used to always have to play against this girl called Leonie in one-on-one sports like Tennis and Badminton. Other than the low-cut tops, playing Leonie was fun because no one made enough effort to care. There wasn’t anybody taking it seriously until about five games up from the bottom table, which was fine by me.

This is why I preferred cross country running to everything else, because I didn’t have to talk or interact with anyone. It was just my anti-social self, my youthful legs, the crisp air and the quiet. I loved it as much as you could have done with a PE activity. If I pushed myself a bit more I could have been in the top group, but I always stuck second place because I had no idea where the fuck I was going.

For cross country and other select activities we were split into three groups: The first group lacked brain cells but could run fast. Group two weren’t as fast, but neither were they as physically fucked as group three. I was in this group. Group three consisted of fat people, wheelchairs and people on life support machines. Many died from this bizarre ritual of ethnic cleansing.

While we were split up for some activities, all of us had to participate in team sports. We were lined up like cattle along a wall and chosen on overall physical ability and coolness. I was always last picked. As you would guess, the popular, awesome kids would be picked first, then the kids that would kill you if you didn’t choose them. Soon after that you were chosen in order of popularity and how much you bummed PE. Eventually, you had me and Lewis Lau.

It’s interesting to see a team so contradictive. There’s the guy huffing and puffing in his football boots taking it far too seriously. Really he’s just looking for a decent game, but bringing your football boots to school is just being a fag about it. Then there’s a guy who thinks he’s good when really it would be more help if he shot himself in the face. Then there’s a guy that spends all his time getting shouted at by his team mates and ignoring passes just to be a dick about it. I was that guy, completely oblivious to the fact that the whole opposite team just ran past me and scored. Dick fringe predictably runs over screaming ‘Well fucking done’. I am such a renegade.

The way people behave in PE seems to be different to the way people behave in other classes. Dick fringe sucked at mathematics, but you don’t see me standing up in the middle of class shouting ‘you’re a fucking gam’ and then booting his chair. It seems like it’s okay to be verbally abusive in PE. It didn’t work when I tried it on the teacher. Which brings me to the subject.

It’s like PE teachers are biologically programmed to be complete wankers. I guess the way they acted towards me was sometimes understandable, but sometimes they would take cheap shots towards the quiet boy or some grossly obese fat fuck. I mean he was fat, but he didn’t deserve it. I don’t know why they think ‘tough love’ works. The best teacher I ever had for PE didn’t treat you like scum. Most people feel out of their comfort zone when they’re told to wear shorts, and the last thing they need is fucking Hitler breathing down their neck. Every PE teacher I’ve met doesn’t have a clue about how to teach someone either. But then again, what can you teach in PE when everyone already knows how to play football?

You don’t even need PE for anything. The only thing it does is get more thick people into University. I guess it also helps if you want to become a PE teacher, but having a career as a PE teacher is like pissing into a river of piss.

I’ll close this up by discussing how PE is supposed to promote health and well-being when really it doesn’t. Every year we get statistics on how the youth of today are becoming more unhealthy as time goes by. Obesity levels are rising and the fucking government combat this by promoting more fitness in schools. As illustrated, you can see that they clearly aren’t thinking this through. My version on the other hand is a great improvement. See that, government, I just shat all over your bullshit theory.

As another chapter (?) draws to a close, I’d like to take a little time to reflect. PE is for complete tools, but I like exercising. It doesn’t hurt to run about a bit. I probably sound bitter but give me a ball and two hours to run around, a couple of water bottles to keep me hydrated and perhaps Leonie, preferably topless, and I’m pretty sure I’d be quite happy.