I was watching Vanessas’ Real Lives at 2:30AM this morning. I’ve somehow turned day into night and night into day ever since the holidays started, I couldn’t get to sleep so I ended up watching this s***. No wonder this show was on at this time in the morning, STV may broadcast some really rubbish daytime television but they’re not that stupid.
Here’s the idea. Human beast presenter Vanessa Feltz shouts herself around a circular room
full of idiots. What happens is three idiots with something uncanny about them get shoved into the middle and then get shouted at. That is it. It’s half an hour though, at 2:30AM, we have to remember.
Who do we have today? Who are the lucky three? Tonight’s real lives are: a female paedophile, a woman who breast feeds her 7-year old child (SHE’S NOT EVEN HOT) and a man that drinks his, and others, piss.
I shall give you my take, since the audience are incapable of any opinion whatsoever.
Vanessa Feltz on the right (I didn’t skew the picture, she really is that fat).
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Case #1: Woman had sex with 15 year old boy when she was 31, got into a lot of trouble for it and believes she’s the victim.
For fuck’s sake, It takes two to tango. She knew he was 15, she knew he was underage. The woman must have the intelligence of a plank of wood or must seriously be lacking some. That boy must have thought Christmas came early because he got a turkey. Next.
Case 2#: Woman breast feeds child until 7 years old.
Babies only need the milk at the first stage after birth. Yes, we all know the woman transfers antibodies, we are not stupid. You say you keep the child doing it if it feels like it? Do you let a dog sh** on a rug? No, you punch it in the face and say ‘No’. Of course, prolonged breast-feeding does no harm, but neither does it any real good. It’s unnecessary since the child can now eat a healthy, balanced diet. Hence they cancel each other out to reveal you just do it for the kicks, you sick f***. Next.
Case 3#: Man drinks his own piss, and others piss, ‘cos it’s good for you.
You know, I thought basic high school biology taught us that the reason we piss is to get rid of toxic waste products. If piss was really so nutricious, why would our bodies get rid of it in the first place? Eat or drink something, good stuff absorbed, bad and useless stuff excreted. Thus drinking it does nothing at all since there is nothing to absorb, hence why it got rid of it in the first place. This leaves us with two possible results: the man has been terribly mislead, or, since no one is that stupid, he does it for kicks, mmm delicious. The sick f***.
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I may have given some nice advice (everyone’s a critic) but in the end no one went home with any real advice or change. Then again, you can’t polish a turd.
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