Ebola Cola

Every so often (maybe too often) a game is released into the world that does nothing but embarrass the gaming industry.

Since Ebola Cola is mostly made up of avid gamers with personality problems, where unfair levels of criticism, hate, cruelty and being sheer bastards run rife, it seemed cricket to let us open up and go all out on something in life that truly deserved a good verbal beating: Bad video games. We’re still nice to girls though, and our grandparents.

So, ”It should have been suffocated at birth” is a short post series dedicated to identifying the worst console games in all history. Got that? I hope so.

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What is it?: A pack of top trumps on a disc, and lots, lots more, apparently.

What format?: Playstation 2, Nintendo DS and the PC.

What do you do?: You press ‘x’.

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Top Trumps: Doctor Who. A game so pointless that finding a metaphor to express this fact is a metaphor not worth doing.

Essentially, this is a pack of top trumps on a games console. Except to buy this pack you have to pay an upwards of £12, when the actual pack (which you can probably get more fun out of) costs about £3. With an actual genuine pack of top trumps you can have fun bluffing, giving your opponent silly mind games and play it in the car with family and friends or whilst travelling. The video game is the same, except without the fun or any of what I just mentioned. What it does have though, is the Doctor Who theme playing repetitively in the background again, and again, and again.

As for gameplay, as long as you know where ‘x’ is you should be set to go. This is because all you do is press ‘x’. I mean it. Unlike the card version, instead of having your competitive friends and annoying little brother to play against, the game gives you the immense challenge of playing a random computer. I mean, it’s not like chess on the computer, where you can plan a cunning strategy for a challenging, and if it floats your logical boat, fun game. No, just keep pressing ‘x’, start foaming absent-mindedly at the mouth and hope for the best. Until now, I never actually thought you could die of boredom. Not even Autistics could be entertained with this rubbish for long.

Seriously, It’s a completely random game. Children’s game or no children’s game, no logic or cunning is involved, it’s an insult to children. It’s the epitome of the crap-game-from-parents-at-Xmas-when-you-really-wanted-GTA nightmare. I can’t stress how awful it actually is. You may as well flip a coin and see what side it lands on, except for forever, and with the Doctor Who theme playing unrelentlessly in the background. I guess there are other minigames, but frankly who cares to be honest?

Of all the possibilities they could of had with a Doctor Who game and they came up with Top Trumps on the PC. Christ, they could have made a Doctor Who go-kart racing game and it’d still be better. Shove on a Crash Bash style of minigames on a disc, like ‘Punch John Barrowman’, or ‘Pop the wart on Catherine Tate’s chin’ and I guarantee it would sell millions of copies. Personally, what I’d like to see though, would be an entire game of Billie Piper and Freema Agyeman having passionate lesbian sex, completely naked. I’m no Who fanboy, but it’d be just what the Doctor ordered. (What a fantastic finishing line that is, wow. See how I incorporated Who and Doctor?… Oh, never mind).